Hey baby,
I'm going to get wasted tonight
with the rest of the marines
and we're going to be out by the pool
so
i'm just going to leave my phone in the room
ok?
ok.
I love you sweetie,
I love you so much!
David.
In Arizona.
Love.
David.
Mmmmmmm...
I just don't care.
Hey
I gotta go
just wanted to hear your voice
bye.
love you.
bye.
I didn't have my phone.
I don't care.
You did it first.
i just don't care.
Why are you being all psycho on me?
Don't you trust me?
Yeah.
Ok.
Bye.
Mk.
Are you ok?
Of course.
Are we ok?
Of course.
I just don't care.
It won't happen again.
I'm sorry.
Misunderstanding.
Miscommunication.
I was drunk.
You were gone.
It's cool.
I don't really care.
Cool.
Be cool.
Have fun.
Alright.
Ya.
Having fun?
Not really.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
When are you coming home?
I don't know.
I don't care.
Be cool.
I just don't care.
You seem so distant.
What do you mean?
You just aren't here.
I'm right here chloe.
No,
That's not what I mean.
What do you want from me?
Nothing.
What do you want from me?
I don't care.
Whatever.
Exactly.
Sweetie.
Disinterested.
Not here.
Tired.
You're tired of me.
Just going through the motions.
Distant and I'm needy.
The space I'm supposed to give you.
Welcome to Arizona.
I don't care.
Anymore.
I don't care.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
insanity
Oh hey.
Me and David got back together.
Yaaaay.
I am actually really happy about it, and life just seems to make more sense again. I don't feel as angry. I felt so angry when he and i "finished" and I feel like that isn't really how you are supposed to feel when you break up with someone. Shouldn't there be a sense of relief or freedom or satisfaction? I felt none of those things. Only anger and confusion.
Not the best combination, eh?
Anyway.
I'm glad I can figure out what I want in that aspect in my life. One less thing to worry about.
Check one on the current relationship want.
Also!
Great news!
I think I might want to go to the University of Iowa.
They have a fantastic creative writing program there-- quite possibly the best in the midwest.
Another want down? Quite possible.
On the topic of Iowa, that prospect scares the shit out of me.
Away from everything I know.
Away from my support system.
I tried that once before and I feel like i failed.
In a sense I did.
Granted-- it is not twenty-two hours away this time. It's only two.
so why am i so afraid?
Me and David got back together.
Yaaaay.
I am actually really happy about it, and life just seems to make more sense again. I don't feel as angry. I felt so angry when he and i "finished" and I feel like that isn't really how you are supposed to feel when you break up with someone. Shouldn't there be a sense of relief or freedom or satisfaction? I felt none of those things. Only anger and confusion.
Not the best combination, eh?
Anyway.
I'm glad I can figure out what I want in that aspect in my life. One less thing to worry about.
Check one on the current relationship want.
Also!
Great news!
I think I might want to go to the University of Iowa.
They have a fantastic creative writing program there-- quite possibly the best in the midwest.
Another want down? Quite possible.
On the topic of Iowa, that prospect scares the shit out of me.
Away from everything I know.
Away from my support system.
I tried that once before and I feel like i failed.
In a sense I did.
Granted-- it is not twenty-two hours away this time. It's only two.
so why am i so afraid?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Stop the Comparisons
I will never be happy if I keep comparing myself to others.
I'll never be skinny enough because there will always be someone else skinnier.
I will have never traveled to enough places in the world because someone will always have traveled more.
I will never see enough, learn enough, accomplish enough, discover enough.
If I always compare myself to every. one. else.
That goes along with never being satisfied maybe.
Never satisfied, always wanting more, never enough.
Easier said than done.
How do I stop comparing myself?
I find that near impossible.
Why do we do that?
Why do we compare and contrast, judge and evaluate?
It must be because of our own insecurities maybe.
That would make sense I suppose.
We judge to find excuses. For ourselves.
I look.
She's so skinny.
I think: ya, but she's probably full of herself.
I look.
He's been to so many places and he's only a few years older than me.
I think: ya, but it's not like you wanted to go there anyway, and plus he's annoying.
That's a never ending cycle right there.
Judgement that I pass simply because I'm too afraid I'll never do it myself.
I'm a wimp.
I'm afraid that I'll never succeed in doing what I want.
What makes me happy.
But I need to stop making these god damn comparisons.
They'll get me no where except for a crossing with bitter and regret.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
I'll never be skinny enough because there will always be someone else skinnier.
I will have never traveled to enough places in the world because someone will always have traveled more.
I will never see enough, learn enough, accomplish enough, discover enough.
If I always compare myself to every. one. else.
That goes along with never being satisfied maybe.
Never satisfied, always wanting more, never enough.
Easier said than done.
How do I stop comparing myself?
I find that near impossible.
Why do we do that?
Why do we compare and contrast, judge and evaluate?
It must be because of our own insecurities maybe.
That would make sense I suppose.
We judge to find excuses. For ourselves.
I look.
She's so skinny.
I think: ya, but she's probably full of herself.
I look.
He's been to so many places and he's only a few years older than me.
I think: ya, but it's not like you wanted to go there anyway, and plus he's annoying.
That's a never ending cycle right there.
Judgement that I pass simply because I'm too afraid I'll never do it myself.
I'm a wimp.
I'm afraid that I'll never succeed in doing what I want.
What makes me happy.
But I need to stop making these god damn comparisons.
They'll get me no where except for a crossing with bitter and regret.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Never enough
I want it all. Why is that proving to be such a problem in my life lately? I feel like wanting everything shouldn't be such a cursed desire. I'm not talking material things when I say I want it all. I want to be able to travel the world alone but maybe I want someone there with me. Maybe I just want to meet people along the way. I don't know. I think that is what I want. Travel the world and meet people along the way. Okay. Check. But can I bring someone with me? Preferibly a best friend instead of a boyfriend cause I feel like a boyfriend is usually less apt to want to meet new people. At least the boyfriends I've had. But maybe that's the problem.
Ok.
On to a more prominent confusion in my mind.
I want to be with David half all the time, but twenty-five percent of the time I don't want to be, and another twenty-five percent of the time I'm just confused about the whole situation.
So maybe if I figure out what I really want I can eliminate that twenty-five percent of me that is confused and transfer it to either the fifty that knows I want to be with David, or I could add it to the twenty-five percent of me that enjoys being single.
So let's look at our possible solutions/ situations.
A) I add that lovely 25% to the 50% that still wants to be with David.
....
That would only equal 75%....
When you're with someone aren't you supposed to want to be with them... oh I don't know... like 100%?
Is that missing quarter that big of a deal or is that not okay? I'm not sure. Say I was 75% sure I want to be with him, got back together with him because that is the majority of what I think I want, and then... what about the other 25% of the time?
I'm not sure that would be fair to him.
Because I'm quite certain he would give me 100%.
I just don't think I have 100% to give right now.
I'm not sure I really want to give 100% to anyone right now.
I'm only 18. Why should I?
I don't know.
But that's true isn't it?
Should you only be with someone if you're 100%? or is it okay to be with someone when you're only 75%?
Ha.
This post.
Making little sense most likely.
My apologies.
Move on to situation/solution b.
B) Add that little 25% to the part of me that likes to be single.
That's fifty percent.
So.
That means half of all of me and all my time will be spent enjoying being single, and the other half will want to be with David.
I don't think that works.
Cause somehow someway another percentage would be formed because there is noway i can want two different and completely opposite things at the same time without having some form of confusion.
Yes.
There is going to be confusion.
Fuck.
I hate this. I hate being confused. Some people think they have everything together, and know exactly what they want. Why can't i be one of those people? I'm an inconsistent boob.
Yes.
A boob.
People can't take me seriously because I take myself way to seriously, and I'm flighty.
Decisive, but not sure footed.
The best part is that when I actually do find an answer to a pending question i JUMP on it, cling to it, and hold on for dear life,
Even if it's the most ridiculous idea I've ever conjured up.
I can't help it.
I love ridiculous.
My indecisive decisiveness results in conversations such as these:
Me: "HEY! I'm going to move to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But.. wait... you hate the humidity? And old people..."
Me: "Ya but so what?! I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But you want to move north....?"
Me: "Psh, Florida is practically north. I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You hate tourists."
Me: "I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You're impossible."
Me:"I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
See the logic I create? See that slight tinge of stubborn, close-minded penchant?
Yes.
I. Am. Impossible.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Ok.
On to a more prominent confusion in my mind.
I want to be with David half all the time, but twenty-five percent of the time I don't want to be, and another twenty-five percent of the time I'm just confused about the whole situation.
So maybe if I figure out what I really want I can eliminate that twenty-five percent of me that is confused and transfer it to either the fifty that knows I want to be with David, or I could add it to the twenty-five percent of me that enjoys being single.
So let's look at our possible solutions/ situations.
A) I add that lovely 25% to the 50% that still wants to be with David.
....
That would only equal 75%....
When you're with someone aren't you supposed to want to be with them... oh I don't know... like 100%?
Is that missing quarter that big of a deal or is that not okay? I'm not sure. Say I was 75% sure I want to be with him, got back together with him because that is the majority of what I think I want, and then... what about the other 25% of the time?
I'm not sure that would be fair to him.
Because I'm quite certain he would give me 100%.
I just don't think I have 100% to give right now.
I'm not sure I really want to give 100% to anyone right now.
I'm only 18. Why should I?
I don't know.
But that's true isn't it?
Should you only be with someone if you're 100%? or is it okay to be with someone when you're only 75%?
Ha.
This post.
Making little sense most likely.
My apologies.
Move on to situation/solution b.
B) Add that little 25% to the part of me that likes to be single.
That's fifty percent.
So.
That means half of all of me and all my time will be spent enjoying being single, and the other half will want to be with David.
I don't think that works.
Cause somehow someway another percentage would be formed because there is noway i can want two different and completely opposite things at the same time without having some form of confusion.
Yes.
There is going to be confusion.
Fuck.
I hate this. I hate being confused. Some people think they have everything together, and know exactly what they want. Why can't i be one of those people? I'm an inconsistent boob.
Yes.
A boob.
People can't take me seriously because I take myself way to seriously, and I'm flighty.
Decisive, but not sure footed.
The best part is that when I actually do find an answer to a pending question i JUMP on it, cling to it, and hold on for dear life,
Even if it's the most ridiculous idea I've ever conjured up.
I can't help it.
I love ridiculous.
My indecisive decisiveness results in conversations such as these:
Me: "HEY! I'm going to move to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But.. wait... you hate the humidity? And old people..."
Me: "Ya but so what?! I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But you want to move north....?"
Me: "Psh, Florida is practically north. I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You hate tourists."
Me: "I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You're impossible."
Me:"I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
See the logic I create? See that slight tinge of stubborn, close-minded penchant?
Yes.
I. Am. Impossible.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Do I look like fucking America?
"I want to explore you," said the man I'd met in person only minutes ago.
I smirked, rolled my eyes, and waited for more bullshit to come rolling out of his mouth.
"I want to know what it's like to touch you. All of you. Every inch of your beautiful smooth skin," his long thing fingers reached out for my face and stroked my cheek.
My stomach lurched.
"I'm not having sex with you," I said, my voice flat and unaffected by his determined words.
He smiled, leaned forward, and laid his lips against my jaw.
My throat tightened and I pushed him away.
"We don't have to have sex. I want you, and all of you. I want to explore this passion I feel for you," he grabbed my hand and shoved it to his chest. "I want to know why you make my heart feel this way."
I couldn't feel a damn thing.
He wrapped his fingers into my hair and leaned forward so I could feel the cold breath of a kiss brush against my neck. My body tensed.
"I want to explore you," he whispered into my ear, trying to be seductive, sensual, and charming.
Not so much.
I pressed my hands against his shoulders and shoved him away.
"Look," I replied, "You're not Colombus and I sure as hell am not your America. Go explore somebody else ya creep."
I grabbed my jacket, and scrambled for my purse. My eyes narrowed in disgust as i saw confusion pass his face.
"Oh please, like you think that 'explore' shit was going to work on me," I hissed. "Have a nice fucking night loser. No means no."
I opened up the door to his jeep, popped out of the passengers seat, stuck my tongue out at him, and slammed the door shut.
Fucking creep.
I smirked, rolled my eyes, and waited for more bullshit to come rolling out of his mouth.
"I want to know what it's like to touch you. All of you. Every inch of your beautiful smooth skin," his long thing fingers reached out for my face and stroked my cheek.
My stomach lurched.
"I'm not having sex with you," I said, my voice flat and unaffected by his determined words.
He smiled, leaned forward, and laid his lips against my jaw.
My throat tightened and I pushed him away.
"We don't have to have sex. I want you, and all of you. I want to explore this passion I feel for you," he grabbed my hand and shoved it to his chest. "I want to know why you make my heart feel this way."
I couldn't feel a damn thing.
He wrapped his fingers into my hair and leaned forward so I could feel the cold breath of a kiss brush against my neck. My body tensed.
"I want to explore you," he whispered into my ear, trying to be seductive, sensual, and charming.
Not so much.
I pressed my hands against his shoulders and shoved him away.
"Look," I replied, "You're not Colombus and I sure as hell am not your America. Go explore somebody else ya creep."
I grabbed my jacket, and scrambled for my purse. My eyes narrowed in disgust as i saw confusion pass his face.
"Oh please, like you think that 'explore' shit was going to work on me," I hissed. "Have a nice fucking night loser. No means no."
I opened up the door to his jeep, popped out of the passengers seat, stuck my tongue out at him, and slammed the door shut.
Fucking creep.
Friday, January 15, 2010
When we run
It's been a while.
Blogging has been one of the last things on my mind lately.
I miss him.
I miss him so much.
It's hard to tell myself it wasn't what I wanted when I want it so bad now.
I don't know why I want it now. I didn't want to be with him when I was with him,
but now that he's gone?
Now that he isn't mine?
I want him back.
But I will not request such a thing.
Miserable with him.
Miserable without him.
It's hard to remember that I was miserable with him.
But I was.
The last four months that we were together I was miserable.
And yet..
I wonder in the back of my mind and the back of all my thoughts..
I wonder..
Would things have gotten better had we stuck it out?
Would I have been as happy with him as I was in the beginning if I had just seen things through?
Maybe.
I mean.
He was gone for seven months out of the fourteen we dated.
That's a rather large chunk of time.
And within the first ten days of him being home for good
we broke up.
we ended.
we stopped trying.
I can't help but wonder if we should have kept trying.
Eight months ago I was the happiest person around.
With David.
I had found love unlike any I'd ever dreamed possible.
For the first time in my life I could see myself settling down with someone
having a family
children
love
house
jobs
happiness.
I could actually see myself spending forever with someone.
That was a first.
And now that I'm thinking about it I think of how silly it was to feel that way. To feel that way and to have been as young as I was. Only seventeen when we first started dating.
I had never been happier in the first six months we spent together.
I was a whole new person that wanted different things, a different future, a different life.
This might make no sense.
But I was so happy, even if I had changed.
I changed when I fell in love with David.
Before him I never wanted to get married,
have a family
children
love
house
jobs.
But I found happiness in his arms.
And all that changed.
But that wasn't me.
But with him it was.
happiness.
I found it with David.
For the first time.
Ever.
Only seventeen.
Ha.
What was I thinking?
It happens to us all.
I love him. I can't deny. I loved him so so much.
But he was wrong for me.
And I was wrong for him.
But I was still happy.
Being the new me that I was. I was happy.
Being David's girl.
until he left.
for the marines.
He left.
And the real me came back.
why is that so hard for me to accept?
I like the real me.
I like her a lot.
But she isn't as happy as David's me.
But can I ever be that girl again?
Can I ever-- do I even want to be that girl again?
See..
i don't know.
I don't think I do want to be that girl.
I want to be this girl. and happy all the same.
This makes me sad.
Sad that I can't figure out what I want.
But I think I might be well on my way.
We'll see..
Until next time...
C.R. Daniels
Blogging has been one of the last things on my mind lately.
I miss him.
I miss him so much.
It's hard to tell myself it wasn't what I wanted when I want it so bad now.
I don't know why I want it now. I didn't want to be with him when I was with him,
but now that he's gone?
Now that he isn't mine?
I want him back.
But I will not request such a thing.
Miserable with him.
Miserable without him.
It's hard to remember that I was miserable with him.
But I was.
The last four months that we were together I was miserable.
And yet..
I wonder in the back of my mind and the back of all my thoughts..
I wonder..
Would things have gotten better had we stuck it out?
Would I have been as happy with him as I was in the beginning if I had just seen things through?
Maybe.
I mean.
He was gone for seven months out of the fourteen we dated.
That's a rather large chunk of time.
And within the first ten days of him being home for good
we broke up.
we ended.
we stopped trying.
I can't help but wonder if we should have kept trying.
Eight months ago I was the happiest person around.
With David.
I had found love unlike any I'd ever dreamed possible.
For the first time in my life I could see myself settling down with someone
having a family
children
love
house
jobs
happiness.
I could actually see myself spending forever with someone.
That was a first.
And now that I'm thinking about it I think of how silly it was to feel that way. To feel that way and to have been as young as I was. Only seventeen when we first started dating.
I had never been happier in the first six months we spent together.
I was a whole new person that wanted different things, a different future, a different life.
This might make no sense.
But I was so happy, even if I had changed.
I changed when I fell in love with David.
Before him I never wanted to get married,
have a family
children
love
house
jobs.
But I found happiness in his arms.
And all that changed.
But that wasn't me.
But with him it was.
happiness.
I found it with David.
For the first time.
Ever.
Only seventeen.
Ha.
What was I thinking?
It happens to us all.
I love him. I can't deny. I loved him so so much.
But he was wrong for me.
And I was wrong for him.
But I was still happy.
Being the new me that I was. I was happy.
Being David's girl.
until he left.
for the marines.
He left.
And the real me came back.
why is that so hard for me to accept?
I like the real me.
I like her a lot.
But she isn't as happy as David's me.
But can I ever be that girl again?
Can I ever-- do I even want to be that girl again?
See..
i don't know.
I don't think I do want to be that girl.
I want to be this girl. and happy all the same.
This makes me sad.
Sad that I can't figure out what I want.
But I think I might be well on my way.
We'll see..
Until next time...
C.R. Daniels
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Yowch. Didn't see that one coming.
David and I broke up.
Bam.
Straight through the heart like a bullet to the brain.
I don't know if that synonym made any sense.
But my mind makes little sense in this moment.
Shit.
Wasn't expecting that.
Sure.
I bitch about it a lot and knew that really I needed to break up with him-- but I could never bring myself to do so.
Because I'm so fucking attached to him.
And now.
He's gone.
And I feel like my heart has been grabbed and twisted into severe knots of confusion and sadness.
And it kills.
It hurts.
So.
Bad.
So bad.
I know people go through this all the time. But no matter how mundane and prosaic a break-up may be it still hurts every time.
Every "My heart is telling me something different from what my mind is telling me"
Every "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
Every "I didn't mean to hurt you"
Every "This isn't working out."
No matter what those words never get easier to hear.
But forever is really never forever.
Because who we are is never forever.
We are constantly changing, growing, becoming who we are meant to be,
doing what we are supposed to do,
trying new things,
being.
Forever is never really forever.
We are changing all the time.
And that affects all the relationships we have-- romantic or not.
It's inevitable.
Maybe we just need to find someone that changes with us, and stays compatible with us as we change together.
Maybe.
But he and I were far from compatible.
And we grew in opposite directions, and changed into two very different people.
We love each other very much, but now it is time to move on.
So why, after I realize all these sorts of things, does it still hurt so bad?
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Bam.
Straight through the heart like a bullet to the brain.
I don't know if that synonym made any sense.
But my mind makes little sense in this moment.
Shit.
Wasn't expecting that.
Sure.
I bitch about it a lot and knew that really I needed to break up with him-- but I could never bring myself to do so.
Because I'm so fucking attached to him.
And now.
He's gone.
And I feel like my heart has been grabbed and twisted into severe knots of confusion and sadness.
And it kills.
It hurts.
So.
Bad.
So bad.
I know people go through this all the time. But no matter how mundane and prosaic a break-up may be it still hurts every time.
Every "My heart is telling me something different from what my mind is telling me"
Every "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
Every "I didn't mean to hurt you"
Every "This isn't working out."
No matter what those words never get easier to hear.
But forever is really never forever.
Because who we are is never forever.
We are constantly changing, growing, becoming who we are meant to be,
doing what we are supposed to do,
trying new things,
being.
Forever is never really forever.
We are changing all the time.
And that affects all the relationships we have-- romantic or not.
It's inevitable.
Maybe we just need to find someone that changes with us, and stays compatible with us as we change together.
Maybe.
But he and I were far from compatible.
And we grew in opposite directions, and changed into two very different people.
We love each other very much, but now it is time to move on.
So why, after I realize all these sorts of things, does it still hurt so bad?
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
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