When we run

It's been a while.
Blogging has been one of the last things on my mind lately.
I miss him.
I miss him so much.
It's hard to tell myself it wasn't what I wanted when I want it so bad now.
I don't know why I want it now. I didn't want to be with him when I was with him,
but now that he's gone?
Now that he isn't mine?
I want him back.
But I will not request such a thing.
Miserable with him.
Miserable without him.
It's hard to remember that I was miserable with him.
But I was.
The last four months that we were together I was miserable.
And yet..
I wonder in the back of my mind and the back of all my thoughts..
I wonder..
Would things have gotten better had we stuck it out?
Would I have been as happy with him as I was in the beginning if I had just seen things through?
Maybe.
I mean.
He was gone for seven months out of the fourteen we dated.
That's a rather large chunk of time.
And within the first ten days of him being home for good
we broke up.
we ended.
we stopped trying.
I can't help but wonder if we should have kept trying.
Eight months ago I was the happiest person around.
With David.
I had found love unlike any I'd ever dreamed possible.
For the first time in my life I could see myself settling down with someone
having a family
children
love
house
jobs
happiness.
I could actually see myself spending forever with someone.
That was a first.
And now that I'm thinking about it I think of how silly it was to feel that way. To feel that way and to have been as young as I was. Only seventeen when we first started dating.
I had never been happier in the first six months we spent together.
I was a whole new person that wanted different things, a different future, a different life.
This might make no sense.
But I was so happy, even if I had changed.
I changed when I fell in love with David.
Before him I never wanted to get married,
have a family
children
love
house
jobs.
But I found happiness in his arms.
And all that changed.
But that wasn't me.
But with him it was.
happiness.
I found it with David.
For the first time.
Ever.
Only seventeen.
Ha.
What was I thinking?
It happens to us all.
I love him. I can't deny. I loved him so so much.
But he was wrong for me.
And I was wrong for him.
But I was still happy.
Being the new me that I was. I was happy.
Being David's girl.
until he left.
for the marines.
He left.
And the real me came back.
why is that so hard for me to accept?
I like the real me.
I like her a lot.
But she isn't as happy as David's me.
But can I ever be that girl again?
Can I ever-- do I even want to be that girl again?
See..
i don't know.
I don't think I do want to be that girl.
I want to be this girl. and happy all the same.
This makes me sad.
Sad that I can't figure out what I want.
But I think I might be well on my way.
We'll see..
Until next time...
C.R. Daniels