I leave for Spain in less than two months :)
I'm unbelievably excited and nervous all at the same time. Nervous because I feel like I should be putting away more money. On average I put away about 250 a week I think. Maybe closer to 200. I'm not sure. But I keep running into expenses that I have to pay for, and it's not enjoyable. Including that class I'm taking, I'm working about 50-60 hours a week depending on the week. And only putting away about 200 on average kind of sucks when it feels like I never have any free time.
Oh well.
I'm excited.
And I'm not going to worry about money.
I'm doing something that I knew would cost a lot of money, and I'm okay with that.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Useless liberal arts degrees
That's one of my most recent paintings/drawings.
I haven't posted in over a year. Needless to say, things have changed since then. I'm no longer attending school at the local community college, and I've now moved on to a big 10 school in the midwest-- and I'm loving it.
I'm another undergrad pursuing one of those superfluous Liberal Arts majors that no one needs right now. Not only that, but I'm pursuing not one, but TWO useless liberal arts degrees-- Spanish and English.
So does that make me doubly useless? Or slightly more useful... I'm not sure.
Who the hell told me to follow my dreams and study what I love to learn?
Idiots.
I'll probably end up moving down to New Orleans and selling my art (or body) for cheap prices, and potentially living in a box. Or squatting in one of the many empty buildings in the french quarter.
You know. No big deal.
My mom went down to NOLA a couple of weeks ago actually, and when she came back that's exactly what she told me. She was viewing all the different street artists, and her and my sister kept commenting on the lack of talent on the streets. She went so far as to tell me that I was better than 90% of the street vendors she saw, which I guess is good right? She told me if I fail at life, I can always fall back on street art vending in NOLA. That would kind of be awesome not going to lie. I've never been one to stay grounded and that would be pretty damn flexible. Only $150 a year for a permit. Do-able for sure.
Anyway.
I'm not going to go over the past year of my life in detail cause who wants to hear about that really. In a nutshell this has been the biggest highlights of the last year.
1. Broke it off with David for good.
2. Dated some d-bags for fun.
3. Dated a guido spring semester (also my first semester at the University of Iowa)
4. Realized I picked the best major for what I love doing
5. Realized I have a really ambiguous major
6. Signed up to go abroad to Seville, Spain next semester
7. Wrote a book for NANOWRIMO
8. Wrote some of my best stuff ever during spring semester
9. Working like 60 hours a week during the summer
10. Got an amazing job at the community college during fall semester as a writing consultant. It's amazing, I wish I had blogged about it.
11. Took a basic drawing class and realized I'm alright at art.
So, yes. Top 11 things that happened to me since the last time I blogged.
Until next time (hopefully sooner than the last),
C.R. Daniels
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I don't care
Hey baby,
I'm going to get wasted tonight
with the rest of the marines
and we're going to be out by the pool
so
i'm just going to leave my phone in the room
ok?
ok.
I love you sweetie,
I love you so much!
David.
In Arizona.
Love.
David.
Mmmmmmm...
I just don't care.
Hey
I gotta go
just wanted to hear your voice
bye.
love you.
bye.
I didn't have my phone.
I don't care.
You did it first.
i just don't care.
Why are you being all psycho on me?
Don't you trust me?
Yeah.
Ok.
Bye.
Mk.
Are you ok?
Of course.
Are we ok?
Of course.
I just don't care.
It won't happen again.
I'm sorry.
Misunderstanding.
Miscommunication.
I was drunk.
You were gone.
It's cool.
I don't really care.
Cool.
Be cool.
Have fun.
Alright.
Ya.
Having fun?
Not really.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
When are you coming home?
I don't know.
I don't care.
Be cool.
I just don't care.
You seem so distant.
What do you mean?
You just aren't here.
I'm right here chloe.
No,
That's not what I mean.
What do you want from me?
Nothing.
What do you want from me?
I don't care.
Whatever.
Exactly.
Sweetie.
Disinterested.
Not here.
Tired.
You're tired of me.
Just going through the motions.
Distant and I'm needy.
The space I'm supposed to give you.
Welcome to Arizona.
I don't care.
Anymore.
I don't care.
I'm going to get wasted tonight
with the rest of the marines
and we're going to be out by the pool
so
i'm just going to leave my phone in the room
ok?
ok.
I love you sweetie,
I love you so much!
David.
In Arizona.
Love.
David.
Mmmmmmm...
I just don't care.
Hey
I gotta go
just wanted to hear your voice
bye.
love you.
bye.
I didn't have my phone.
I don't care.
You did it first.
i just don't care.
Why are you being all psycho on me?
Don't you trust me?
Yeah.
Ok.
Bye.
Mk.
Are you ok?
Of course.
Are we ok?
Of course.
I just don't care.
It won't happen again.
I'm sorry.
Misunderstanding.
Miscommunication.
I was drunk.
You were gone.
It's cool.
I don't really care.
Cool.
Be cool.
Have fun.
Alright.
Ya.
Having fun?
Not really.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
When are you coming home?
I don't know.
I don't care.
Be cool.
I just don't care.
You seem so distant.
What do you mean?
You just aren't here.
I'm right here chloe.
No,
That's not what I mean.
What do you want from me?
Nothing.
What do you want from me?
I don't care.
Whatever.
Exactly.
Sweetie.
Disinterested.
Not here.
Tired.
You're tired of me.
Just going through the motions.
Distant and I'm needy.
The space I'm supposed to give you.
Welcome to Arizona.
I don't care.
Anymore.
I don't care.
Monday, April 12, 2010
insanity
Oh hey.
Me and David got back together.
Yaaaay.
I am actually really happy about it, and life just seems to make more sense again. I don't feel as angry. I felt so angry when he and i "finished" and I feel like that isn't really how you are supposed to feel when you break up with someone. Shouldn't there be a sense of relief or freedom or satisfaction? I felt none of those things. Only anger and confusion.
Not the best combination, eh?
Anyway.
I'm glad I can figure out what I want in that aspect in my life. One less thing to worry about.
Check one on the current relationship want.
Also!
Great news!
I think I might want to go to the University of Iowa.
They have a fantastic creative writing program there-- quite possibly the best in the midwest.
Another want down? Quite possible.
On the topic of Iowa, that prospect scares the shit out of me.
Away from everything I know.
Away from my support system.
I tried that once before and I feel like i failed.
In a sense I did.
Granted-- it is not twenty-two hours away this time. It's only two.
so why am i so afraid?
Me and David got back together.
Yaaaay.
I am actually really happy about it, and life just seems to make more sense again. I don't feel as angry. I felt so angry when he and i "finished" and I feel like that isn't really how you are supposed to feel when you break up with someone. Shouldn't there be a sense of relief or freedom or satisfaction? I felt none of those things. Only anger and confusion.
Not the best combination, eh?
Anyway.
I'm glad I can figure out what I want in that aspect in my life. One less thing to worry about.
Check one on the current relationship want.
Also!
Great news!
I think I might want to go to the University of Iowa.
They have a fantastic creative writing program there-- quite possibly the best in the midwest.
Another want down? Quite possible.
On the topic of Iowa, that prospect scares the shit out of me.
Away from everything I know.
Away from my support system.
I tried that once before and I feel like i failed.
In a sense I did.
Granted-- it is not twenty-two hours away this time. It's only two.
so why am i so afraid?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Stop the Comparisons
I will never be happy if I keep comparing myself to others.
I'll never be skinny enough because there will always be someone else skinnier.
I will have never traveled to enough places in the world because someone will always have traveled more.
I will never see enough, learn enough, accomplish enough, discover enough.
If I always compare myself to every. one. else.
That goes along with never being satisfied maybe.
Never satisfied, always wanting more, never enough.
Easier said than done.
How do I stop comparing myself?
I find that near impossible.
Why do we do that?
Why do we compare and contrast, judge and evaluate?
It must be because of our own insecurities maybe.
That would make sense I suppose.
We judge to find excuses. For ourselves.
I look.
She's so skinny.
I think: ya, but she's probably full of herself.
I look.
He's been to so many places and he's only a few years older than me.
I think: ya, but it's not like you wanted to go there anyway, and plus he's annoying.
That's a never ending cycle right there.
Judgement that I pass simply because I'm too afraid I'll never do it myself.
I'm a wimp.
I'm afraid that I'll never succeed in doing what I want.
What makes me happy.
But I need to stop making these god damn comparisons.
They'll get me no where except for a crossing with bitter and regret.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
I'll never be skinny enough because there will always be someone else skinnier.
I will have never traveled to enough places in the world because someone will always have traveled more.
I will never see enough, learn enough, accomplish enough, discover enough.
If I always compare myself to every. one. else.
That goes along with never being satisfied maybe.
Never satisfied, always wanting more, never enough.
Easier said than done.
How do I stop comparing myself?
I find that near impossible.
Why do we do that?
Why do we compare and contrast, judge and evaluate?
It must be because of our own insecurities maybe.
That would make sense I suppose.
We judge to find excuses. For ourselves.
I look.
She's so skinny.
I think: ya, but she's probably full of herself.
I look.
He's been to so many places and he's only a few years older than me.
I think: ya, but it's not like you wanted to go there anyway, and plus he's annoying.
That's a never ending cycle right there.
Judgement that I pass simply because I'm too afraid I'll never do it myself.
I'm a wimp.
I'm afraid that I'll never succeed in doing what I want.
What makes me happy.
But I need to stop making these god damn comparisons.
They'll get me no where except for a crossing with bitter and regret.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Never enough
I want it all. Why is that proving to be such a problem in my life lately? I feel like wanting everything shouldn't be such a cursed desire. I'm not talking material things when I say I want it all. I want to be able to travel the world alone but maybe I want someone there with me. Maybe I just want to meet people along the way. I don't know. I think that is what I want. Travel the world and meet people along the way. Okay. Check. But can I bring someone with me? Preferibly a best friend instead of a boyfriend cause I feel like a boyfriend is usually less apt to want to meet new people. At least the boyfriends I've had. But maybe that's the problem.
Ok.
On to a more prominent confusion in my mind.
I want to be with David half all the time, but twenty-five percent of the time I don't want to be, and another twenty-five percent of the time I'm just confused about the whole situation.
So maybe if I figure out what I really want I can eliminate that twenty-five percent of me that is confused and transfer it to either the fifty that knows I want to be with David, or I could add it to the twenty-five percent of me that enjoys being single.
So let's look at our possible solutions/ situations.
A) I add that lovely 25% to the 50% that still wants to be with David.
....
That would only equal 75%....
When you're with someone aren't you supposed to want to be with them... oh I don't know... like 100%?
Is that missing quarter that big of a deal or is that not okay? I'm not sure. Say I was 75% sure I want to be with him, got back together with him because that is the majority of what I think I want, and then... what about the other 25% of the time?
I'm not sure that would be fair to him.
Because I'm quite certain he would give me 100%.
I just don't think I have 100% to give right now.
I'm not sure I really want to give 100% to anyone right now.
I'm only 18. Why should I?
I don't know.
But that's true isn't it?
Should you only be with someone if you're 100%? or is it okay to be with someone when you're only 75%?
Ha.
This post.
Making little sense most likely.
My apologies.
Move on to situation/solution b.
B) Add that little 25% to the part of me that likes to be single.
That's fifty percent.
So.
That means half of all of me and all my time will be spent enjoying being single, and the other half will want to be with David.
I don't think that works.
Cause somehow someway another percentage would be formed because there is noway i can want two different and completely opposite things at the same time without having some form of confusion.
Yes.
There is going to be confusion.
Fuck.
I hate this. I hate being confused. Some people think they have everything together, and know exactly what they want. Why can't i be one of those people? I'm an inconsistent boob.
Yes.
A boob.
People can't take me seriously because I take myself way to seriously, and I'm flighty.
Decisive, but not sure footed.
The best part is that when I actually do find an answer to a pending question i JUMP on it, cling to it, and hold on for dear life,
Even if it's the most ridiculous idea I've ever conjured up.
I can't help it.
I love ridiculous.
My indecisive decisiveness results in conversations such as these:
Me: "HEY! I'm going to move to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But.. wait... you hate the humidity? And old people..."
Me: "Ya but so what?! I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But you want to move north....?"
Me: "Psh, Florida is practically north. I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You hate tourists."
Me: "I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You're impossible."
Me:"I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
See the logic I create? See that slight tinge of stubborn, close-minded penchant?
Yes.
I. Am. Impossible.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Ok.
On to a more prominent confusion in my mind.
I want to be with David half all the time, but twenty-five percent of the time I don't want to be, and another twenty-five percent of the time I'm just confused about the whole situation.
So maybe if I figure out what I really want I can eliminate that twenty-five percent of me that is confused and transfer it to either the fifty that knows I want to be with David, or I could add it to the twenty-five percent of me that enjoys being single.
So let's look at our possible solutions/ situations.
A) I add that lovely 25% to the 50% that still wants to be with David.
....
That would only equal 75%....
When you're with someone aren't you supposed to want to be with them... oh I don't know... like 100%?
Is that missing quarter that big of a deal or is that not okay? I'm not sure. Say I was 75% sure I want to be with him, got back together with him because that is the majority of what I think I want, and then... what about the other 25% of the time?
I'm not sure that would be fair to him.
Because I'm quite certain he would give me 100%.
I just don't think I have 100% to give right now.
I'm not sure I really want to give 100% to anyone right now.
I'm only 18. Why should I?
I don't know.
But that's true isn't it?
Should you only be with someone if you're 100%? or is it okay to be with someone when you're only 75%?
Ha.
This post.
Making little sense most likely.
My apologies.
Move on to situation/solution b.
B) Add that little 25% to the part of me that likes to be single.
That's fifty percent.
So.
That means half of all of me and all my time will be spent enjoying being single, and the other half will want to be with David.
I don't think that works.
Cause somehow someway another percentage would be formed because there is noway i can want two different and completely opposite things at the same time without having some form of confusion.
Yes.
There is going to be confusion.
Fuck.
I hate this. I hate being confused. Some people think they have everything together, and know exactly what they want. Why can't i be one of those people? I'm an inconsistent boob.
Yes.
A boob.
People can't take me seriously because I take myself way to seriously, and I'm flighty.
Decisive, but not sure footed.
The best part is that when I actually do find an answer to a pending question i JUMP on it, cling to it, and hold on for dear life,
Even if it's the most ridiculous idea I've ever conjured up.
I can't help it.
I love ridiculous.
My indecisive decisiveness results in conversations such as these:
Me: "HEY! I'm going to move to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But.. wait... you hate the humidity? And old people..."
Me: "Ya but so what?! I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But you want to move north....?"
Me: "Psh, Florida is practically north. I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You hate tourists."
Me: "I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You're impossible."
Me:"I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
See the logic I create? See that slight tinge of stubborn, close-minded penchant?
Yes.
I. Am. Impossible.
Until next time,
C.R. Daniels
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
