Never enough

I want it all. Why is that proving to be such a problem in my life lately? I feel like wanting everything shouldn't be such a cursed desire. I'm not talking material things when I say I want it all. I want to be able to travel the world alone but maybe I want someone there with me. Maybe I just want to meet people along the way. I don't know. I think that is what I want. Travel the world and meet people along the way. Okay. Check. But can I bring someone with me? Preferibly a best friend instead of a boyfriend cause I feel like a boyfriend is usually less apt to want to meet new people. At least the boyfriends I've had. But maybe that's the problem.
Ok.
On to a more prominent confusion in my mind.
I want to be with David half all the time, but twenty-five percent of the time I don't want to be, and another twenty-five percent of the time I'm just confused about the whole situation.
So maybe if I figure out what I really want I can eliminate that twenty-five percent of me that is confused and transfer it to either the fifty that knows I want to be with David, or I could add it to the twenty-five percent of me that enjoys being single.
So let's look at our possible solutions/ situations.

A) I add that lovely 25% to the 50% that still wants to be with David.
....
That would only equal 75%....
When you're with someone aren't you supposed to want to be with them... oh I don't know... like 100%?
Is that missing quarter that big of a deal or is that not okay? I'm not sure. Say I was 75% sure I want to be with him, got back together with him because that is the majority of what I think I want, and then... what about the other 25% of the time?
I'm not sure that would be fair to him.
Because I'm quite certain he would give me 100%.
I just don't think I have 100% to give right now.
I'm not sure I really want to give 100% to anyone right now.
I'm only 18. Why should I?
I don't know.
But that's true isn't it?
Should you only be with someone if you're 100%? or is it okay to be with someone when you're only 75%?
Ha.
This post.
Making little sense most likely.
My apologies.
Move on to situation/solution b.

B) Add that little 25% to the part of me that likes to be single.
That's fifty percent.
So.
That means half of all of me and all my time will be spent enjoying being single, and the other half will want to be with David.
I don't think that works.
Cause somehow someway another percentage would be formed because there is noway i can want two different and completely opposite things at the same time without having some form of confusion.
Yes.
There is going to be confusion.
Fuck.
I hate this. I hate being confused. Some people think they have everything together, and know exactly what they want. Why can't i be one of those people? I'm an inconsistent boob.
Yes.
A boob.
People can't take me seriously because I take myself way to seriously, and I'm flighty.
Decisive, but not sure footed.
The best part is that when I actually do find an answer to a pending question i JUMP on it, cling to it, and hold on for dear life,
Even if it's the most ridiculous idea I've ever conjured up.
I can't help it.
I love ridiculous.
My indecisive decisiveness results in conversations such as these:
Me: "HEY! I'm going to move to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But.. wait... you hate the humidity? And old people..."
Me: "Ya but so what?! I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "But you want to move north....?"
Me: "Psh, Florida is practically north. I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You hate tourists."
Me: "I'm moving to FLORIDA!"
Friend: "You're impossible."
Me:"I'm moving to FLORIDA!"

See the logic I create? See that slight tinge of stubborn, close-minded penchant?
Yes.
I. Am. Impossible.

Until next time,
C.R. Daniels